Third Impact Sundeas
by Novaloria
Summary: One of those stories that exists outside of the continuity. Strange events suddenly plague Shinji's world - could it be the effect of a new angel?


_There is no disclaimer. It ran away with the spoon._  
  
"Yeaaaaaaargh!" bellowed Shinji desperately, as if it could be of any help to his situation.  
He'd confronted Angels before, this was no different - yet he felt something he'd rarely felt before, a moment of true panic that paralysed him from head to foot.  
  
He'd make mistakes, he knew, should've stuck to what he'd been told to do.  
Now it was too late.  
  
"Aaaaaaaaargh!" continued Shinji, somewhat belatedly, followed closely by a similar-sounding exclamation.  
  
There was a pause. "Shoot, I burnt it."  
  
Shinji surveyed the wreckage of what had initially promised to be an exotic and tantalising dish, yet now resembled something even Misato might refuse to swallow, were the action possible. Staring down at his failed experiment, Shinji pondered where in the recipe he'd diverged to create such a charred mess, his thoughts then turning to the future of the poor saucepan to which he'd subjected such torture.  
  
The Nerv cleanup crew, already fatigued from the recovery and disintegration of several angels at the hands of the Third Child, were understandably unsympathetic to learn of another culinary disaster at the Katsuragi household, and words were said that, were this rated higher than a PG, might have found mention in this passage.  
  
"Shoot," pretty much summed it up in Shinji's opinion, as he replaced the still reverberating phone back onto its cradle.  
  
'Guess I'll take a leaf out of Misato's book' he mused, tipping the solidified slab into a bowl marked 'Pen²'.  
  
"It's in suspended animation for the moment.." began Kaji in a well- rehearsed spy-guy manner, before the lack of attention he was receiving got to him.  
  
"Are you looking at me?"  
"Of course."  
  
Shrugging, the baffled agent placed the sealed container onto the desk of the most powerful man in the southern world.  
  
'Must get some of those damned glasses'  
  
Gendo Ikari snickered to himself at the protection his reflective glasses afforded. His eyes were somewhat tired, for he'd been late to bed. Scrolls don't dust themselves, you know. Right now, however, he found himself in something of a dilemma between maintaining his authoritarian position at the desk (elbows at precisely 42 degrees, fingers intertwined, seated), and bending forward to inspect the precious cargo (elbows at a dismal 41.7 degrees, fingers intertwined, posterior raised an inch above seat).  
  
Eventually, curiosity took over, and with a disturbing crack of bone upon bone upon iron, the commander's body tilted forward fractionally.  
  
"Hmm."  
  
A moment passed before Kaji realised he was expected to open the container, and with a bitter staring back at him from those damned reflective glasses ("Must get some of my own", pondered the unshaven charmer) undid the clasp.  
  
"By the way, to whom should I delegate responsibility of the seventh child?"  
"You may leave that to the decision of the Operations Commander, personnel problems have nothing to do with me."  
"So Misato then. Well, if that'll be all.."  
"Yes."  
"I'll be going then."  
"Okay."  
"You hang up."  
"No, you!"  
  
Fuyutski's morning started badly when he was knocked aside by the huffing figure of Kaji as he exited the commander's office. Getting to his feet and glancing about to check that none of his subordinates had witnessed the loss of dignity, he stepped inside.  
  
"Ah, Fuyutski."  
"Just what was that about, Ikari? All I caught was something about 'not being a damned delivery service' and.."  
  
The ageing sub-commander paused mid- sentence as his gaze encompassed the desk, the container, and its contents, currently resting a hair's breadth from the commander's mouth.  
  
"You keep him around for this?"  
"He remains useful at present."  
"Uh.. just how cold is that?"  
"Minus thirty degrees. My current has reached room temperature; I must therefore ingest a colder one."  
"I see. And may I be excused?"  
"Certainly."  
  
Fuyutski emerged from the toilet cubicle and headed toward the drinks machine, intent to remove the aftertaste that vomiting invariably leaves. "Cold-hearted bastard. Can't he just settle for the 'bastard' part?" he grumbled to himself.  
  
Life was as normal.  
  
Some somewhere has read, and presents:  
  
**"Third Impact Sundaes"  
**  
"Hey, Shinji. Want to do something with me?" Asuka asked innocently.  
"Wha-what do you mean?!" Shinji responded typically, looking confounded and scared at the same time.  
  
It was a pretty clichéd day.  
  
"Idiot. I mean before school - I want something to eat, so you can come along and buy it for me."  
"Hey, you spent almost all of my money on that lava lamp you said we could share. The one you took into your room and never came out with."  
  
Asuka managed a nervous laugh, barely. She didn't like being the defensive, so it became necessary to change tack from time to time.  
  
"Well, you can come into my room if you want."  
"O-okay-"  
"But I doubt you'll have time to see it - what with all the mad, passionate sex we'll be having."  
  
Asuka smirked as Shinji halted mid-step, overbalanced and crashed to the pavement. Point, serve, and match.  
  
"Wakey, wakey little Shin-chan."  
"Asuka, why do you use Japanese expressions in an English-speaking world?"  
"Für Sake des Gottes, I'm just trying to fit in with your antiquated little island. Now walk me to the park and buy me an ice-cream."  
"Fine, what do you want?"  
"I want an Angel Surprise," beamed the crimson crusader, snuggling Shinji's arm. Deep into manipulative mode, she hung on to Shinji like a limpet as they entered the park.  
  
"Wow, a vendor within four metres of the park gates, who'd have thought?"  
  
- - -  
  
"Err, um, okay." Shinji tried to avoid looking over his shoulder to where Asuka was sitting at a bench, throwing pinecones at some irate ducks. 'Weird girl'  
  
"Wada dyer want?" said the heavily tattooed and vertically challenged, stereotypical ice cream guy.  
  
"Umm, two Angel Suprises, please."  
"Not got any Suprises, sarry."  
  
This worried Shinji, for Asuka was not one to be denied anything without extreme pain being inflicted upon the denier, a condition the other two thirds of the stooge entity referred to as the 'ouch' factor.  
"Hey, Asuka! He hasn't got any Suprises! Oww!"  
"Then get me something else! Mindless dolt.." stormed she, as she did berate and clobber Shinji with her pinecone supply.  
"Aww, ain't that cute, getting an ice cream fur your gerlfriend," slobbered the ice cream guy, which Shinji might have noticed as a complement, had not the spit solidifying about the man's unshaven chin been such an attention grabber.  
  
"I am not his girlfriend!" came the inevitable cry from the direction of the bench, accompanied by an autumn of branch produce.  
  
"Uh, so what else do you have?" Shinji asked desperately, wanting to get away and to school, for which he was now undoubtedly late. Not that school was any more entertaining than say, waiting for Rei to change expression, or watching the Evas being repainted by one technician with a impish toothbrush. Still, having the class rep as her contact meant he was bound to Asuka for the rest of the morning.  
  
"Tokyo Rise, LCL Burst, Beserker Rush, or there's some Third Impact Sundaes."  
"Oh," smiled our protagonist, "that last one sounded nice. Two of those please."  
  
In the Nerv lunch-hall, which had expanded vastly in dimensional size to encompass all of the Division One staff, Misato was occupied in the one activity that gave her some knowledge of just what the heck was going on.  
"So, my bestest and most trusted friend, what exactly happened last night?"  
"Oh, so we're establishing some kind of back story now, are we?" quipped Ritsuko with a groan.  
"I have no idea, I was busy with something."  
'Damn'  
"Well, from what I heard, a seventh child arrived late last night. Oh, and on an entirely unrelated note, some huge monster trashed the city at around the same time."  
"Really?" Ritsu drained the remained of her coffee mug. "I must stop giving in to my desires late at night.. I did try, but it was so hot last night. You know how it is.. I knew I shouldn't, but it just happened, I guess. I get this sudden craving, and it's all I can do to stop myself. I know I shouldn't, but the taste is incredible."  
  
Maya was on the verge of sharing her lunch with the rest of the division, despite the fact that she'd had it earlier.  
  
"Doctor Akagi, I respect you as a woman, and as a teacher, but sometimes you make me sick!"  
  
Ritsuko suddenly grasped how what she said might have been taken badly.  
"Maya, what did you think I was talking about just then?"  
  
Before Maya could answer however, one of the technicians chipped in. "It's soo obvious! You were talking about a craving for chocolate or something like that, weren't you? Its one of those misdirection things where it's made to look as if you're saying something really icky, but mean something normal."  
  
The incorrectly titled doctor's gaze never left its querying air, but a slight twitch of her eyebrow signalled some kind of inner annoyance.  
"Don't be so dense," she addressed the incongruous and never-to-appear-again techie.  
"I was talking about sex. Any idiot can see that."  
  
All the male technicians save one collapsed with nosebleeds, with the addition of two of the female crew who should have known better. The remainder of the group began tearing at their heads with the objective of ending that tormenting image before it had a chance to haunt them. Misato, being used to this kind of behaviour from her college days, rolled her eyes and took the opportunity to raid the unguarded beer cans. Ritsuko just sighed.  
  
"So, how does this seventh child affect me in any way?"  
"Well," Misato cringed at the question, it being on her list of allergies and fatality causes. Her answer to that earlier question, while making perfect tactical and operational sense, may have un-dealt with shortcomings yet to plague her.  
"I'll.. err.. tell you later, kay?"  
"Fine," shrugged the blonde bombshell, "last thing I need is another pilot to fantasise about."  
  
- - -  
  
"Now today class, I had planned to continue our discussion on Second Impact- "  
  
Groans from every corner of the room at the announcement. Bodies sunk beneath desks, heads reacquainted themselves with desks, and one boy at the back leapt from his seat and jumped headfirst through the open window.  
  
"However, I have decided to take it upon myself to steer your education in a different direction from this day onwards."  
  
Ears pricked up at the news of something new. Even Rei gave it a second's attention before returning to the window.  
  
"Therefore, we are today going to be studying this.." said the teacher calmly, drawing a magnum from his desk drawer.  
  
Stimuli effect. The result was instant chaos, children scrambling madly towards the door to the classroom, only to find it insufficiently proportioned to allow seven people through at once. That, and that it was locked. Hikari, Touji and a few other unfortunates remained frozen to their seats, while from across the classroom Kensuke's squeal of joy at the sight of a modern weapon ended as he at last realised the implication. Rei blinked.  
  
"May I ask, sir," spoke Hikari in a trembling voice, "what you're intending to do with that?" "Certainly," beamed the ancient, "I intend to kill every last one of you."  
Touji blanched. "A-and why, exactly, would that be?"  
"Because not one of you has paid attention to my lessons from the very start of the course. You're late arriving, some," he motioned to the pilots, "even decide not to attend at all. I'm sick of every last one of you, and you're all going to die.""Any other questions?"  
"Although my fellow pilots are currently absent, the three of us must attend a synchronisation test scheduled for three-fifteen this afternoon. Any termination will therefore clash with my orders, and must not proceed."  
"Oh well," mused the teacher, returning the gun to its drawer, "I suppose we can continue where we left off tomorrow. That's all for today.." Sighing wearily to himself, he unlocked the door and stepped out into the corridor.  
  
"Ayanami, you just saved our lives!" gasped Hikari, still frozen in place. "Oh, and everyone bow."  
  
Misato felt somewhat guilty at her decision as she made her way home from Nerv. She was already looking after two of the Children, so there was no way she could manage a third.  
  
Ritsuko was officially Rei's guardian, but it wasn't as if they lived together. The way Ritsuko had nailed all those crucifixes to the doors as windows after a week spent with the First, it was as if they didn't get on.. Misato shrugged inwardly. It was quite smart though for this child to be the seventh, when you thought about it. Due to all the terms like self-insert and Mary Sue that had floated across the Major's desk, it seemed a smart idea to miss out the sixth Child entirely, thus freeing the boy or girl from years of fan abuse.  
  
Of course, there had yet to be a fifth or even forth Child, but as a secret member of Across, Misato chose to wisely ignore this. 'Maybe living with a kid will brighten her up a bit' she decided as she pulled up outside the apartment block. Hell, she may even thank me someday.'  
  
- - -  
  
On the outskirts of Tokyo-3, Ritsuko sat in a bar stool cradling a whisky.  
"I'll get you some day, Misato!" she raved somewhat drunkenly from her seat. "You, and your little penguin too!"  
  
**Never To Be Spoken of Again**  
  
I actually came back and reformatted this, then considered erasing it altogether. This marks progression?! From what?  
  
Awful, Awful **Omake**, to you we pray.  
  
"Ayanami, you just saved our lives!" gasped Hikari, still frozen in place. "Oh, and everyone bow."  
  
Rei stood in her seat and turned toward the remainder of the class. She could see from their faces that her reputation as an emotionless corpse would have to change if the new plan was to be realised. "I must make the point clear, for I feel it to be important to you all. I do not believe that I am much of a public speaker, however.."  
  
Drawing herself up, the crimson wonder struck a pose that left minds in the gutter, with jaws inches away from the centre of the Earth. Arms raised to face height, fists clenched, face upturned, she spoke with an energy that, were it collected, could have launched a thousand Evas. Recovering from this blatant paraphrasing, Rei began her speech.  
  
"I believe.. in destiny! Destiny rules all of our lives; yours, mine, even Shinji's!"  
"Huh?"  
"My destiny is what I make of it. I am no-one's doll, my actions are my own. Nobody tells me what to do. Not some higher presence, not the commander, nor the leering pixies that mock me late at night. It is I, and I alone that decide upon how I live. Remember that, Sohryu, when you're lying in bed thinking of Pilot Ikari, and you, Mr, Aida, when you're slavering over that new edition of 'Man oh Man', and you, dear reader, who believes my OCC behaviour to be due to some mistake on the author's part. Know that it is I, and I alone that shape my dessssstiny."


End file.
